I’m sad, tired, anxious, grateful, angry, happy. Resisting and surrendering at the same time. Feeling totally at peace with the current situation then wanting to rip it apart in the next minute. I’d like to believe that I have experience with embracing emotions, specifically more than one emotion at the same time. But lately, it’s felt akin to playing Twister: just replace twisting body parts with twisting emotions.
COVID-19 has been on my mind for a few months. First, I felt connected to its impact second-hand from friends in China and from having visited in January 2019. Sinking in that when I was there, nobody knew of Wuhan, and now everyone knows about it. I really saw what was happening and felt empathetic but helpless. Based on updates from friends and old peers, I understood the fight they were facing…from afar. Then as if night didn’t have a chance to transition into a new day, COVID-19 skipped the sunrise. It plopped right into my reality and that of everyone else. It inserted itself into a new global reality of denial turned into collective grief, fear and uncertainty.
I’m going to postpone lamenting the intricate details of COVID-19 thrusting its power into my own circumstances. I think it will be more interesting to evaluate the unfolding of recent personal events at a later date in this chapter. What I’d like to accomplish now is sharing my practices that help me remain grounded and heart-centered during this otherworldly time. When I say heart-centered, I mostly mean living from a non-judgmental, strong, imperfect, authentic heart. Maintaining alignment with your inner truth. Diverging from the ego and investing in your soul.
Generally, these are some of my practices that I use in my journey of self-development and especially during this COVID-19 chapter.
1. Checking-In With Myself Every Day
What do I mean by “checking in” with myself? I mean intentionally sitting with my body and mind and asking “How do I feel in this moment? What feels good, bad, uncomfortable, unsettling or energizing? Why?” Then “What do I need to do to show up for myself and _____ emotion?”
By asking myself these questions and getting down to the deeper emotional response, I can truthfully assess where I’m at, what I can do or what I shouldn’t do. Doing this everyday is extremely important to me. Like water, we are fluid and impacted by our inner and outer environment. Everyday is different, and this is especially heightened throughout this time.
2. Detaching Productivity From Self-Worth
Live your truth. If you want to learn how to efficiently work from home during a crisis so you can carry on with your job as usual, I understand. If you want to take this time to push forward on your side hustle, I fully support this. If you want to learn a new language – go for it! If you want to design the next, best social media app – power to ya! But if you can’t start working on something because you can’t see past your tears…or Love is Blind…or hummus..or wine – I got you.
This is a practice I’ve been working to insert into my own personal reflections. As somebody who prides herself on her work, being self-employed in a creative field and just living in a capitalist society: it’s a battle. It takes consistent work to shift my mindset away from attributing what I do with who I am. Clearly, our work (paid or not) is very important to us and others. But you could be the hardest working professional one minute and have that all taken away from you the next. It’s happening right now to the majority of the workforce.
As a Freelancer, my work is typically always in flux depending on client’s needs and assignments, but I’ve also taken the largest hit as a result of COVID-19. I look at my productivity as an essential means to an end, but not something that determines my self-worth. Whether or not I’m typing away at my keys all day or not, my existence is valuable and loved.
3. Re-Connecting With My Body
I’ve grown a lot in recent years in my relationship with my body. I’ve learnt to listen to its reactions and sensations, when a part feels tense or opened. But really, I’ve just gotten better at giving it a lot more grace and gratitude. This means being kind with my words when I look at myself in the mirror. It means nourishing it with good, healthy food, but also being gentle if I do crave something sweet.
Most importantly, it’s been a combination of physical movement and rest.
This is especially prevalent in my yoga practice, where it’s emphasized that just “showing up to the mat” is a metaphor for showing up and being present in your life. From there, I engage in a variety of movements and stretches. Lately, I’ve just been closing my eyes and tuning into what feels good or off without worrying about how it looks.
And, I’ve been ensuring that I get plenty of ZZZzzzzs – even more so than usual.
4. Letting Go of Future Plans
This was initially a lesson that has turned into a practice. I’ve been practicing the art of letting go in my life pre-COVID. But when this crisis first hit, the art of surrendering started to feel more like trying to walk up a waterslide – pointless and defeating. Because even so, I still get excited about future plans and activities. I don’t look forward to the future to avoid the present like I used to. But damn, I was excited with prospective plans to visit good friends in France, The Netherlands and Spain. Plans that became up in the air, pretty much became obsolete.
While I allowed the initial anger and sadness to wave over me, I was able to mindfully practice letting go and surrendering control over my own travel plans. I could see the situation more clearly for what it was and be at peace with it. Once you get to this point of acceptance, it’s incredibly freeing.
5. Creativity Without Expectation
Without a doubt, creating fuels a fire within us. It is a key pathway to connecting with our soul and emotions. Overloaded with so many voices and images, it can feel like our own creations don’t measure up and we spiral into self-doubt and shame. Rather than finding purpose and joy, we feel pressure. In times like this, just try creating without expectations. Don’t put high expectations on yourself to finish a creative project if that doesn’t feel right. Release pressure to share it with anybody on socials. Remove judgmental, “it’s not good enough” words from your vocabulary and just play.
I went into my sketch pad the other day and literally just felt like drawing shapes and colouring them. Simplistic but completely invigorating.
6. Loving Deeply
Okay, before you go saying “Duh, Lydia – I’ve been connecting with my family and friends a lot on Facetime.” Yes, yes, yes to this!
I mean to emphasize loving hard and deeply from the most vulnerable part of yourself that also wants to be loved. Be soft. Exercise patience. Don’t take anyone for granted. Choose who you want to be as you scroll through your instagram feed and start judging another person without knowing them. We are bigger than these initial human tendencies. I actively work to counter initial judgements that can stride in to my personal headspace as if I laid out a welcome mat. But my choice to be a person that is compassionate has way more power if I allow it.
Situations like this can either bring us closer or further apart from people we love and expect to be there. We all have our shadows, but remember that it follows your lead. Lead with love.
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.” – Brené Brown
Peace and Love,
Lydia
